January 30, 2023 “Night Of The Bastard” (* out of four) was a stupefying horror thriller about an injured young woman (Mya Hudson) who takes refuge in a secluded home with a gruff recluse (London May); when a sinister sorceress (Hannah Pierce) of a bloodthirsty cult comes and threatens both of them, they must band together to fight them off and stay alive. Loaded with hilariously cheesy effects and filmmaking and terrible acting that turn this into one very long night. Danzig’s long-time drummer May ought to keep his day job; Danzig song titles like “Unspeakable”, “Sacrifice”, and (especially) “I Don’t Mind The Pain” are apt descriptions of sitting through this clunker. Continue reading →
January 29, 2023 “Shark Waters” (* out of four) was a waterlogged horror thriller about a group of friends (Jim Fitzpatrick, Meghan Carrasquillo, and others) out on a fishing charter miles from home and are besieged by a ravenous shark and their only hope for survival and staying alive is their grizzled captain (Mike Rae Anderson- looking a little like Vinnie Paul). Gratuitous killer-shark movie has little kills or shark action and is unbelievably dull. It’s toothless knockoffs like this that make you seriously regret that “Jaws” (or its sequels) was ever made. Continue reading →
January 29, 2023 “Designed For Death” (*1/2 out of four) was a grindingly predictable suspense thriller about an interior decorator (Kelcie Stranahan) who revamps the home of a man (Matthew Pohlkamp) she meets and she then becomes (what else?) obsessed with him and becoming the only person in his life, even if this means killing his family and doing some more internal decorating of her own. All-too-predictable and obvious thriller seems to be following an overly familiar pattern and design. Film’s letdown of an ending is a real spit in the face to anyone who bothered staying with this. This ought to suffer a quick “death” in Redbox machines before being banished to permanent cable. Continue reading →
January 29, 2023 “Shotgun Wedding” (** out of four) was an utterly dumb romantic comedy about a bride and groom (Jennifer Lopez and Josh Duhamel) who gather their families together in Bali for an ultimate wedding reception but plans change when the wedding is taken over and held hostage by pirates and they find they have to put their differences aside to fight back and take back their wedding day. Needlessly contrived and silly, with only the good-natured performances of the cast to keep it afloat. Lopez gives 100% as usual with her effortless charisma but it’s really thin stuff. Lenny Kravitz has a minor role as Lopez’ ex and Cheech Marin shows up as her dad but they still can’t keep this from firing blanks. Continue reading →
January 29, 2023 “House Party” (*** out of four) was an engaging remake of the 1990 classic about two friends (Jacob Latimore and Tosin Cole) who stumble into the house of Lebron James and decide to throw a house party bash to attract women and money but naturally this all goes out of control. Director Calmatic employs the same bouncy humor and snappy pacing that the original had and both Latimore and Cole have good chemistry together. No classic but consistently entertaining and fun. Original partiers Kid ‘N’ Play and also Mya, Bill Bellamy, and Lebron James himself all show up in cameos. Continue reading →
January 29, 2023 “Infinity Pool” (** out of four) was a wan horror melodrama about a vacationing couple (Alexander Skarsgard and Cleopatra Coleman) who experience a violent accident at an exclusive resort they are staying and this brings to light various underlying tensions in their relationship and personal psyches. Director Brandon Cronenberg obviously inherited and studied a lot of the various psychological themes from his father David but film is joyless and overly cerebral. Originally rated NC-17 before being cut but pretty tame all things considering. Continue reading →
January 29, 2023 “Mega Lightning” (*1/2 out of four) was a thunderously dull thriller about a group (May Kelly, Maria Taylor, and others) at a house party who become alarmed by the outside stormy weather and move to a nearby house, only to discover there’s a serial killer in the house and they have to decide whether to stay in the house and survive or venture outside and stay alive in the perilous weather. Drab attempt at mixing serial killer and disaster genres with chintzy effects and filmmaking. Hardly anyone’s idea of a mega-movie. Continue reading →
January 29, 2023 “Bullet Train Down” (*1/2 out of four) was an ungainly action thriller about various travelers (Tom Sizemore, Rashod Freelove, Caroline Vargas, and others) aboard the fastest train in the world in Osaka but suddenly find out that the train is equipped with a massive bomb that will go off if the train dips below 200 MPH! The kind of cheesy substitute that’s made by low-budget filmmakers to cash in on a more expensive popular one (last years “Bullet Train” if you couldn’t guess) but it’s actually billed as a remake of 1975’s “Bullet Train” and rips off more-than-a-little of “Speed.” Either way, it’s forgettable and dumb. Sizemore looks groggy and hungover as usual. Continue reading →
January 28, 2023 “Blood Conscious” (** out of four) was a not-bad horror thriller about a vacationing family (Oghenero Gbaje, DeShawn White, Lenny Thomas, and others) in a cabin in the woods who become besieged by a deranged redneck shooter (Nick Damici) who claims to be fighting sinister and evil forces; is he telling the truth or are they all having mass hallucinations which may kill all of them? Writer/director Timothy Covell holds you with his mood and grip and keeps you watching but film takes a while to get going and never fully escapes or transcends its origins from “The Shining” and “The Strangers.” By this point, maybe its time horror filmmakers made a “conscious” effort to avoid stories about families on vacation and being stuck in the middle of the woods. Continue reading →
January 28, 2023 “Teen Wolf: The Movie” (** out of four) was an uninvolving adaptation of the popular MTV television series about a new terrifying breed of wolves and lycans that are on the prowl and only the heroic werewolf Scott McCall (Tyler Posey) can stop their deadly threat by gathering new allies and former lycan friends. Aimed squarely at fans of the series who probably will like this better but even for them it’s awfully long at nearly two-and-a-half hours. Original series director Russell Mulcahy brings the same flash he did to his music videos and also the “Resident Evil” movies but it’s a lot of energy expended over nothing. Very loosely based on the 1985 cult classic with Michael J. Fox. Continue reading →
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