Author: dlepikcom

“Aquaslash” (** out of four) was a pointless horror thriller about a group of high-school partiers (Brittany Drisdelle, Paul Zinno, Samatha Hodhod, and others) who have their graduation bash at a water amusement park but someone has murder on their agenda and sets out to systematically kill them off using the rides as a weapon. Professionally directed and acted but takes too long to get going and then wraps up pretty quickly. One scene involving blades on one of the water rides provides the only real thrills in the movie.

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“Garden Party Massacre” (0 stars out of four) was an absolutely worthless horror movie that looked like someone’s bad home movies about a gathering of friends (Andy Gates, Nichole Bagby, David Leeper, and others) at a garden party that is suddenly disrupted when an uninvited guest shows up and starts massacring everybody. Dreadful acting and filmmaking, however, turn this into an even more terrifying massacre for the audience. Even at only an hour and 10 minutes, this is still a brutal watch. Film’s title vocals are by Peter Stormare (from “Fargo”), of all people, but he may have been better off doing more Volkswagen commercials instead.

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“Detroit Driller Killer” (* out of four) was a bottom-of-the-barrel yuckfest about a struggling screenwriter (Chris Heikka) who slowly descends into insanity by the noise and violence in decaying Detroit and starts prowling on the loose and killing anyone and everyone who gets on his nerves with an electric power-drill! Ugly and unpleasant movie doesn’t even offer any cheap thrills or scares and just manages to be gory and disgusting. Director/writer/co-producer/and co-star Matt Jaissle bears almost all the blame for this mess which is an alleged reimagining of Abel Ferrara’s 1979 “The Driller Killer.”

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“Clover” (*1/2 out of four) was an unlucky melodrama about two none-too-bright Irish brothers (Mark Webber and Jon Abrahams) who find themselves in hot water when they both owe money to the same short-tempered mafia boss (Chazz Palminteri) and are subsequently pursued by two female assassins (Erika Christensen and Julia Jones) and have to attempt to re-obtain the money to pay back and stay alive. Misguided mix of violent underworld melodrama and black comedy runs on empty after a while. Palminteri adds some style as always and more-or-less seems to be playing Sonny again from “A Bronx Tale” but there’s no Robert De Niro in sight here.

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“Impractical Jokers: The Movie” (* out of four) was a witless adaptation of the cult television series about the joker crew (Brian Quinn, Joe Gatto, James Murray, and more) who embark on the road and engage in a series of hidden-camera and reality television challenges to redeem some of them who were humiliated by an event all the way back in 1992. True to its title, there is plenty of impractical jokes and dumb-and-dumber comedy except for one problem: it’s not at all funny. After a while, the characters all become boorish and annoying. For die-hard fans of the series only.

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“Today You Die” (*1/2 out of four) was a mindless and forgettable action thriller about an ex-thief (Steven Seagal mumbling as usual) who gets railroaded and locked up and joins forces with a master criminal (Treach from Naughty By Nature) to escape and enact retribution on those who wronged them both. Routine fight scenes combined with Seagal’s typical wooden acting make this a subpar rental. Treach isn’t bad but it wouldn’t kill him to start playing a different role in future movies. It’s junk like this that made Seagal’s career “die” in the first place.

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“Don’t Let Them In” (*1/2 out of four) was a joyless horror show about two social-service agents (Michelle Luther and Aidan O’Neill) who follow an investigation to an abandoned hotel where they are suddenly besieged by masked intruders who are trying to kill everyone. Cheap production values and ugly photography negate both Luther and O’Neill’s good performances and camaraderie together. Both “Vacancy” and “The Purge” told similar stories with far more style and scares. “Don’t Watch” would be a more apt title for this timewaster.

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“Revenge For Daddy” (** out of four) was an overplotted revenge thriller about a girl (Sarah Butler) who meets a new boyfriend (Clayton James) online and life seems great but soon she is suddenly framed for murder and her life is turned upside down. Could it be him or could it be a friend (Eva Hamilton) from the office who has dark secrets from the past? Both predictable and confusing with too many characters and too many revelations and character twists although it’s attractively shot and well-acted. OK for what it is and better than most thrillers of this genre if nothing else.

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“The Warrant” (**1/2 out of four) was a not-bad Western about a determined sheriff (Neil McDonough) out to track down and apprehend a former friend (Casper Van Diem) turned outlaw with whom he served with in the Civil War but this leads to a far more extensive search and bodycount than he could have imagined. Respectfully done and reasonably well-acted but never escapes from formula for a Western. Entertaining enough for some but sorely lacking the fire and passion and thus entertainment of John Ford or Clint Eastwood and thus comes up empty.

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“Military Wives” (*1/2 out of four) was a vapid comedy based on the true story of a group of army wives (Kristin Scott Thomas, Sharon Horgan, Emma Lowndes, and others) whose husbands went away to serve in Afghanistan and they formed a musical choir and found themselves starting up a media sensation and musical movement. Strictly for anyone who couldn’t get enough of any of the “Pitch Perfect” movies which this movie rips off often but not even the musical numbers here are particularly good or well-staged. Woefully overlong also at nearly two hours. A disappointment from director Peter Cattaneo who in 1997 directed the far more buoyant and engaging “The Full Monty.”

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