Category: Uncategorized

“Cemetery Stories” (* out of four) was a wooden anthology horror story about a couple of clairvoyants (Chrystal Snow and Timothy Patrick Quill) who show up at a cemetery to walk amongst the tombstones and are besieged by all kinds of unleashed evil and have no choice but to turn to priests to send the evil back to the depths of Hell. Howlingly solemn at times and very silly at others and the overall effect is numbing and boring. Made by DIY filmmakers who make you sorely regret the existence of the term independent horror movie. Time to bury these horror cliches in a real cemetery where they belong.

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“Christmas Bloody Christmas” (*1/2 out of four) was a bloody mess about a robotic Santa Claus that goes haywire and goes on a mass holiday killing spree and it’s up to a free-spirited party girl (Riley Dandy) to put down the bottle and put an end to his slaughter before he wipes out the entire town. Tired horror thriller about yet another killer Santa Claus; didn’t anyone hear learn their lesson from “Silent Night, Deadly Night?” Film lacks suspense and scares and looks cheap but Dandy manages to deliver a strong performance in the lead.

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“Violent Night” (** out of four) was an ungainly action thriller about a group of mercenaries (led by John Leguizamo) who break into the estate of a wealthy family (Beverly D’Angelo, Edi Patterson, and others) and it’s up to Santa Claus (David Harbour) to save the day and save Christmas. Fast-paced but utterly dumb and derivative. Film more than lives up to its title and some scenes are blatant homages/ripoffs of “Die Hard” and especially “Die Hard 2.” Incredibly, this was written by the same team responsible for “Sonic The Hedgehog”!

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“Detective Knight: Redemption” (** out of four) was a clunky action potboiler about detective Knight (Bruce Willis) whose now in custody in NYC and in the midst of a violent jailbreak orchestrated by a deranged killer (Paul Johannson) and is given a deal that he can once again have his badge back if he can stop him and his crew from escaping and save the city. Second in the “Knight” series is no better and no worse than the first. Willis’ health issues are all-too-evident here and he has very little dialogue or screen time. Lochlyn Munro adds some style and sass as a crippled cop.

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“All I Want For Christmas” (** out of four) was a predictable holiday comedy about a young girl (Sahjanan Nesser) whose sole wish for Christmas is that her two divorced parents (Erica Peeples and Christian Torres Villalobos) get back together but can Santa Claus (Terry Woodberry) help with this? A completely unnecessary remake of the 1991 disaster although in fairness this is better than that misfire. Still, though, by the end of this you may wish to the North Pole that Hollywood would stop with all these needless remakes.

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“Darby And The Dead” (** out of four) was an uneasy teen melodrama about a high-schooler named Darby (Riele Downs) who finds that she can communicate with dead people after a near-death experience in childhood and she sets up a private practice (!) for this which makes her a social outcast and pariah in school. Not as bewildering and bizarre as it sounds and directed with flair and bounce by Silas Howard but still too strange to be fully enjoyed. Tony Danza actually has a supporting role and adds some pizazz as one of the main ghosts.

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“Christmas Ransom” (** out of four) was a lightweight caper comedy about two bumbling crooks (Bridie McKim and Genevieve Lemon) who hijack an elaborate toy store and it’s up to 2 kids (Evan Stanhope and Tahlia Sturzaker) and a female security guard (Miranda Tapsell) to save the day and thus save Christmas. Holiday hybrid attempt of “Die Hard” and “Home Alone” is too silly to have much impact but at least it’s directed with flair by Adele Vuko and moves fast enough. Ideal for younger kids but awfully thin stuff for anyone else.

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“Lady Chatterley’s Lover” (** out of four) was a vapid adaptation of D.H. Lawrence’s novel about an unhappily married aristocrat (Emma Corrin) who learns sexual liberation once she begins a heated affair with the gardener (Jack O’Connell) on her country estate. Plenty of sex and frank content like previous adaptations of this novel but film is visually and emotionally drab. Joely Richardson who previously starred in the BBC miniseries of this book here plays one of the character’s mothers.

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“Savage Salvation” (*1/2 out of four) was a listless melodrama about a recovering drug addict (Jack Huston) whose fiancé (Willa Fitzgerald) dies from an overdose and he seeks vengeance and his own form of capital punishment on the dealers who “killed her”. Meanwhile, the town sheriff (Robert De Niro) and a self-help guru (John Malkovich) try to intervene and settle things. Interesting moral questions about overdoses and drug dealers and accountability are overshadowed by third hand script and general plot tedium. De Niro sleepwalks through his role and at nearly 80 is a tad old to be playing a sheriff and Malkovich is wasted again in another easy paycheck role. Film should offer little “salvation” to these legends or their fans.

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“Metal Lords” (*** out of four) was an affecting coming-of-age drama about two friends (Jaeden Mitchell and Adrian Greensmith) who see heavy-metal as their salvation in life in their deadend town but this all leads to complications with a group of girls (Analesa Fisher and Isis Hainswort) who they meet. Not much plot per se as it wanders a little in its second half but agreeably performed and directed by Peter Sollett and script (from “Game Of Thrones” writer D.B. Weiss) has some scattered effective moments. Metal gods Scott Ian, Tom Morello, Kirk Hammett, and Rob Halford all show up in minor cameos and Morello was one of film’s executive producers.

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