April 27, 2022 “The Northman” (*1/2 out of four) was a lumbering historical action adventure about a young boy whose father (Ethan Hawke) is brutally murdered by his uncle (Claes Bang) who kidnaps the boy’s mother (Nicole Kidman); two decades later, he has grown into a warrior Viking (Alexander Skarsgard) who sets outs on a mission to avenge his father and rescue his mother and kill his uncle. Skarsgard sure packed on some muscles for this film but all that protein may have dulled his persona, judging from his one-note performance here (he barely changes expressions the entire film). Heavy-going all the way and not even the final showdown is particularly gripping or satisfying. Fans of director Robert Eggers’ other work (I wasn’t) may like this better. Continue reading →
April 27, 2022 “Hostile Territory” (**1/2 out of four) was a spectacularly filmed but emotionally sparse Western set in post-Civil War America in which a Union soldier (Brian Presley) is presumed dead and his children are subsequently sent away on the orphan train but he comes back to attempt to intercept the train and reunite his family before it is too late. Beautiful cinematography from Mark David and solid production values make this worth watching for a little while but story and dramatic center are not all that involving, especially as film goes on for over two-and-a-half hours. Continue reading →
April 27, 2022 “Night’s End” (* out of four) was a miserable horror story about a virtual shut-in (Geno Walker) who moves into an apartment with (yawn) paranormal activity and he asks an online stranger (Lawrence Grimm) to perform an exorcism which has a series of foreboding consequences he never expected. Static movie is set entirely in one room and over computers; if that doesn’t sound like much to get excited about, you wouldn’t be wrong. Michael Shannon adds some welcome humor as an online friend but trust to me- you won’t want this to “end” fast enough. Continue reading →
April 27, 2022 “Burn” (*1/2 out of four) was an insipid underworld melodrama about a morally conflicted hitman (Patrick Lazzara) who discovers that his younger brother (Eric Stayberg) killed the wife (Dawn Barber) of a volatile mob boss and he has two days to get him out of town before a contract killer kills the both of them. Sleazy story feels like reheated Elmore Leonard but without his wit and conviction. Lazzara also wrote and directed and his lead performance is decent but Barber is pretty awful as the femme fatale. Continue reading →
April 26, 2022 “So Cold The River” (** out of four) was an elegant but empty horror thriller about a documentary filmmaker (Bethany Joy Lenz) who shows up at a resort town to investigate the town’s mysterious benefactor and uncovers (what else?) a sinister force lurking beneath the town’s picture-perfect landscape. Well-made, with sleek cinematography from Madeline Kate Kann and beautiful eerie locations, but it’s all window-dressing for a tired story that has been told far too many times before. “So Old The Plot” would have been a more apt title. Continue reading →
April 26, 2022 “The Bubble” (*1/2 out of four) was an utterly stupid action comedy about a group of none-too-bright actors (Harry Trevaldwyn, Samson Kayo, David Duchovny) stuck in a pandemic bubble at a hotel where they are trying to complete a film but each get lost in their own side-fantasies and distractions from indulgence and partying. Director Judd Apatow tries to throw in everything but the kitchen sink to keep you entertained but the sink is pretty empty. And for a film with not much story- it goes on forever at well-over 2 hours. One of Apatow’s more unusual films and also one of his worst. Continue reading →
April 26, 2022 “Reign Of Chaos” (** out of four) was an overly dour horror thriller set in the not-too-distant future in which a virus enacted by a villainous ruler (Mark Sears) has turn mankind into rabid and bloodthirsty creatures; only three feisty young women (Rebecca Finch, Rita De Tuccio, Georgia Wood) can stop him and save the world but are they up to the task? By the admittedly pretty low standards of these post-apocalypse/future thrillers, this is not the worst of the lot, but is at times laughably solemn and overblown. Final third involving battle scenes works best but by this point- movies set in the future should hopefully remain in the past. Continue reading →
April 26, 2022 “Prototype” (*1/2 out of four) was an earthbound sci/fi suspense story set in (yawn) a dystopian future in which artificial intelligence serves humans at their homes; one such family (Jamie Robertson, Marshall Hawkes, and others) live in happiness until (to the surprise of no one) the robots start to show their true sinister intentions and plan to rise against their human servants. Just a pile of generic ideas borrowed from more movies than one can count, “A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)”, “Robocop”, and “I Robot” just to name a few- but even worse it’s plodding and dull. Film’s title is pungently ironic since it seems to be following obvious “prototypes” from other and better movies. Continue reading →
April 26, 2022 “Zero Fucks Given” (** out of four): (Yes that’s the actual title). A fizzled melodrama about a young airline attendant (Adele Exarchopoulos) who loses her job at an airline and has to rebuild her life from scratch but finds herself at multiple crossroads and trying not to get distracted by love and partying. Film does succeed in showing you the stresses of working as an airline attendant that you may not have realized and lead Exarchopoulos is stirring but film is also aimless and doesn’t have enough plot to fill up 2 hours time. Even still, this won numerous awards at the Mannheim-Heidelberg International Film Festival. Continue reading →
April 25, 2022 “7th Secret” (* out of four) was a lifeless melodrama about an unhappy young wife (Kristin Minter) who decides to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere and begins exploring the sexual underworld and leading a double life. Probably sounds juicy and sexy but is almost worthless on every level. Natasha Henstridge, Stacey Dash, and Joan Jett are all wasted in meaningless supporting roles; why they signed on for this timewaster might be the film’s real “secret.” Some of the dialogue and acting are laughably awful. Continue reading →
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