Category: Uncategorized

“Death Rider In The House Of Vampires” (0 stars out of four) was an excruciating schlockfest set in the Wild Wild West in which a mysterious lone ranger cowboy (Devon Sawa) enters a dangerous vampire sanctuary and finds that the only price of admission is the sacrifice of a female virgin and subsequently finds that the evil Count (Julian Sands) and a ruthless villain (Glenn Danzig) have other plans. If you make it through the first 20 minutes, you might actually survive all the way to the end; film is senseless and static and is ugly to even look at. Rock star Danzig also wrote and directed this miserable timewaster and seems to be attempting to follow in the footsteps of his pal Rob Zombie. Danzig songs “Long Way From Hell” and “Pain Is Like An Animal” are all-too-apt descriptions of what it’s like sitting through this one.

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“Uploaded” (** out of four) was a tepid melodrama about a famous television and online prankster (Brian Krause) who finds the tables turned on him when he is set up for a murder he did not commit and he finds himself on the run without anyone he can trust while his fans search him out every step of the way. Fairly fast-moving but lacks the dramatic tension and intrigue that a story like this needs and wears out after a while. Nowhere near the worst of its genre but isn’t worth either uploading or downloading.

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“Burial Ground Massacre” (*1/2 out of four) was slapdash horror junk about a group of college students (Chelsea Vale, Vinny Marseglia, Karra Curnane Joseph, and others) who spend a night partying at a decrepit mansion when they are suddenly stalked and slashed by a masked killer (Michael Madsen) who wants to repossess an ancient Native American artifact locked inside. Cliche-ridden and by-the-numbers horror thriller with random S & M and ugly violence inserted to keep you entertained. The real “massacre” is what’s become of one-time great actor Madsen’s career.

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“Outlaw’s Buckle” (**1/2 out of four) was an intermittently tense and engaging melodrama set inside a Texas jail in which a female cop (Rachel G. Whittle) comes for a visit and actually turns out to be a serial killer on the prowl while a determined and world-weary officer (Thom Hallum) attempts to stop her and save his unit. Story is more than a little reminiscent of “Assault On Precinct 13” and also harks back to former film glories of Sam Peckinpah and Walter Hill but that being said, it’s well-acted and extremely well-captured by cinematographer Anthony Gutierrez and holds your attention. Refreshingly quick and short also, at only 80 minutes.

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“Megalodon Rising” (*1/2 out of four) was a thirdhand “Jaws” wannabe about yet another gigantic killer shark who swims into military waters and a rogue navy crew (Tom Sizemore, Wynter Eddins, O’Shay Neal, and others) who attempt to exterminate it once and for all. The shark scenes and effects are vivid but they’re few and far between; the rest is utterly by-the-numbers. Maybe it’s time by now they put the killer shark genre to rest for a while before it’s entertainment value becomes utterly extinct.

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“The Last House On The Street” (* out of four) was an abysmal potboiler about two morons (Jeremy Behie and Dylan Garcia) who live on a nowheresville street and two beautiful girls (Gabby d Barbosa and Mary Kate McCormick) move in; initially, they are enthralled by this but they soon start to realize sinister and subversive things are beginning to happen and things start to get really ugly in the neighborhood. In dire need of a coherent storyline and characters who are even slightly likeable; make this film “the last” on your Netflix list.

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“Candyman” (** out of four) was a pretty dull direct sequel to the 1992 original set in Chicago in the now-gentrified neighborhood of the Cabrini Green housing projects in which a new generation of intellectuals (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Teyonah Parris, Colman Domingo, and others) explore the myth and legend of the title hook-handed killer (Tony Todd) and unwittingly bring him back for another round of brutal murders. Intelligent and atmospheric and ably replicates the mood and style of the original but is also gloomy and sluggish. Original star Virginia Madsen is briefly heard in a voiceover; her, Todd, and also Vanessa Williams all reprise their roles from the original.

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“Rushed” (**1/2 out of four) was a reasonably moving story about a husband and wife (Siobhan Fallon Hogan and Robert Patrick) who are devastated by the death of their son (Jay Jay Warren) in college in a fraternity hazing initiation and they soon begin to learn of other deaths of other students across the country in similar incidents and begin a campaign to change fraternity hazing rituals; upon being frustrated about the indifferent results, the wife then attempts more direct action. Strong acting from the two leads and incisive subject matter keep you watching but story takes some bizarre twists and turns in its final third and its ending is somewhat obscure. Hogan also wrote the screenplay.

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“The Stairs” (** out of four) was a fairly bland thriller which begins in 1997 in which a young boy (Thomas Wethington) and his grandfather (John Schneider) go hiking in the forest and stumble upon a mysterious set of stairs and go missing; 20 years later a new group of hikers (Adam Korson, Stacey Oristano, and others) stumble upon it as well and try to avoid the same fate. Tension builds but story is never really all that scary or chilling. Somehow though, this won Best Feature Film at the Haunted House Fearfest in the UK this year.

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“The Gateway” (** out of four) was an overplotted melodrama about a dedicated social worker (Shea Whigham) who tries to intervene in the life of a young girl and her mother (Olivia Munn) when the girl’s father (Jay Hieron) returns home from prison and falls back into crime involving a sleazy underworld kingpin (Frank Grillo who can play this role in his sleep and does) resulting in an impending bloodbath. Strong central performance from Whigham does all that it can to keep this story from wandering into too many unpleasant directions but by the time of its gory and violent ending, it just seems a waste of time. And what a waste of a strong supporting cast (including Bruce Dern and Keith David)!

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