Category: Uncategorized

“Anti-Zombie Force” (* out of four) was a bottom-of-the-barrel horror show that looks like it was filmed by someone’s cell-phone camera about a legion of zombies who are (yawn) attempting to exterminate mankind and a group of redneck warriors who attempt to take them down and restore humanity. George Romero’s original “Night Of The Living Dead” told virtually the same story with a lot more scares and humanistic dread and drama exactly 50 years ago! Maybe “Anti-Entertainment” would be a better title for this time-waster.

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“Bad Samaritan” (*** out of four) was a gripping thriller about a young man (Robert Sheehan) who is down on his luck and turns to burglary and one night- he breaks into the home of a wealthy yuppie (Robert Tennant) and finds a young woman chained and nearly killed. When he tells the police and they naturally don’t believe him, he must play a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse with him to free her to safety and prove the man’s guilt. Unexpectedly Hitchcockian movie features a terrific performance from Tennant and has plenty of suspense. Takes its time getting going but emerges a grabber. A powerful (if minimalistic) change of pace from director Dean Devlin of “Independence Day” fame.

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“Love On Safari” (** out of four) was a pleasant but predictable romantic drama about a businesswoman (Lacey Chabert with a nosejob that now makes her look like Jennifer Love Hewitt) who inherits an animal reserve in South Africa and falls in love with one of the locals (Jon Cor) and must decide whether to return to her home and business in Chicago or start a new life. You can pretty much guess the rest. Beautiful South African scenery and Chabert’s usual likeability make this easy to watch…..but it’s just as easy to forget.

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“Cheerleader Nightmare” (*1/2 out of four) was a cheerless, cheesy horror thriller about a high-school girl (Taylor Murphy) who discovers that her boyfriend (Johnny Visotcky) has been cheating on her with the school’s head cheerleader (Melissa Ponzio). When the cheerleader winds up murdered, she has to decide for herself who the killer is and whether her boyfriend can still be trusted. Originally titled “Teen Drone Stalker” which would have been fitting since this movie appears to have been made by drones. Horror duds like these were a lot more fun in the ’80’s.

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“First Reformed” (*1/2 out of four) was a muddled and boring melodrama about a dying priest (Ethan Hawke) in upstate New York whose ongoing health and personal problems force him to re-examine his faith and thus his purpose in life especially after his son dies and he meets a pregnant woman (Amanda Seyfried) seeking help from her husband. Yet another disappointment from writer-director Paul Schrader who in better days wrote “Taxi Driver” and “Raging Bull.” Hard-core religious fanatics may find something more of merit here but it’s awfully long-winded and pretentious. Hawke is frustratingly one-note in the lead and Seyfried is wasted.

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“Hello I Love You” (*1/2 out of four) was a sorry romantic comedy about a smug reality television yuppie (Ben Jarvis) who meets a beautiful veterinary student (Kabrina Miller) and starts to date her as part of a new reality show which he has pitched but complications (and contrivances) begin when he actually begins to fall for her. Artificial and overlong comedy is in dire need of some snap and drive, not to mention laughs. Say “goodbye” to this clunker and watch “Notting Hill” again instead.

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“Love After Love” (** out of four) was a moody but meandering melodrama about two very different sons (Chris O’Dowd and James Adomian) and the different paths of grief and survival they encounter when their father recently dies and their mother (Andie Macdowell) attempts to move on with her life. Hazy and aloof movie is given a boost by Macdowell who is ageless and engaging as usual but neither son is likeable and thus neither is worth following or caring about. Writer-director Russell Harbaugh shows some promise in his debut and harks back to early Woody Allen and Robert Altman but this stops short of hitting the mark.

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“Return Of The Scarecrow” (* out of four) was a scareless bore about a group of young misfits and bad actors (Jason Brenner, Scott Baisden, Rebecca Bettig, and others) on a camping trip in the middle-of-nowhere in which a group of redneck hillbillies play a prank that goes wrong and results in the awakening of the legendary scarecrow who enacts bloodthirsty revenge. Throwback to ’80’s teen horror pics is a complete throwaway and makes you remember why horror movies died in the first place when the ’80’s were over. Pretty grueling, even at only about 75 minutes.

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“No Good Heroes” (*1/2 out of four) was no good movie about a stranded group of aliens who exist in a peaceful Midwestern town and come out of hiding after nearly 30 years and the local police chief (Tim O’Leary) who has protected them has to take action and protect his family and protect his town. Both “The X Files” and “The Twilight Zone” used to tell almost the same story in about a half-hour but it takes this aimless dud about an hour-and-a-half and it still goes nowhere. Even the final climax is a fizzle.

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“Sunset Society” (* out of four) was an anemic vampire horror thriller without any horror or thrills about a secret cult of vampires (led by Lemmy Von Kilmeister filmed before his death) who prey upon the swell folks on the sunset strip in Los Angeles. G’N’R keyboardist Dizzy Reed and porn star Ron Jeremy play supporting players who figure in the action and gore. Too bad none of them can act. This marked Kilmeister’s farewell screen appearance but his cameo in “Airheads” served him much better. Motorhead song titles “No Class”, “Overkill”, and (especially) “Don’t Waste Your Time” suggest one’s reaction to this mess.

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